I am a bad New Englander. I have lived in the state of Massachusetts my whole life so I skipped through autumn, suffered through winters, praised God for spring and complained about the summer heat. Each year, I fail to get used to the weather shifts, which is just one of the things that make me such a terrible New Englander. Think of your stereotypical New England native – a liberal, often rude individual with a sense of entitlement. They pahk their cah in Havahd yahd and enjoy clam chowder and lobster. In terms of fulfilling the stereotype I have some of it down, but for the most part, I could be from anywhere.
1. I hate the cold.
This is probably the most defining aspect of my lousy New Englander-ness. Those from the wonderful state of Massachusetts and the surrounding areas are supposed to be tough and wind resistant. We’re supposed to have thick skin and brave any storm. Snow? We laugh in the face of it! But not so fast; not me. I am extremely sensitive to the cold. Each year it takes me by surprise creeping up over me into a suffocating grip, chilling my bones and bringing on a series of unpleasant seasonal colds. I never go outside without a jacket, a scarf and gloves even if I’m only walking fifty feet between buildings. And when the snowy season comes I bundle up – pajama bottoms, sweatpants, jeans, a long sleeved shirt, sweatshirt, a puffy ski jacket and heavy boots. Of course, that’s only for an extended amount of snow time. I’ve learned the key to being happy in a Massachusetts winter is layers are a must, as is headgear and mittens. Otherwise, I just shiver in my misery.
This is probably the most defining aspect of my lousy New Englander-ness. Those from the wonderful state of Massachusetts and the surrounding areas are supposed to be tough and wind resistant. We’re supposed to have thick skin and brave any storm. Snow? We laugh in the face of it! But not so fast; not me. I am extremely sensitive to the cold. Each year it takes me by surprise creeping up over me into a suffocating grip, chilling my bones and bringing on a series of unpleasant seasonal colds. I never go outside without a jacket, a scarf and gloves even if I’m only walking fifty feet between buildings. And when the snowy season comes I bundle up – pajama bottoms, sweatpants, jeans, a long sleeved shirt, sweatshirt, a puffy ski jacket and heavy boots. Of course, that’s only for an extended amount of snow time. I’ve learned the key to being happy in a Massachusetts winter is layers are a must, as is headgear and mittens. Otherwise, I just shiver in my misery.
Over the weekend, I was on a film shoot. I was outside for probably about five or six hours and have never been so cold in my entire life. I say it was because I was wearing a short dress and no jacket, but even if I had been bundled up I probably still would have been complaining. When we finally got back to the indoors I was ill from the cold. I got under my covers, curled into a ball and slept. I thought I’d never be warm again.
The fact is, New England areas aren’t necessarily always the coldest places on earth but they are definitely some of the most varied. It can be fifty degrees one day and below twenty the next. It’s as if the atmosphere is trying to trick me into believing I don’t need that extra jacket, only a sweatshirt will suffice. Next thing you know I’m trapped at the intersection at Boylston and Tremont with a wind chill of -5 and I’m stuck in bed the next day with a head cold. When they say if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it’ll change they aren’t kidding. The winter takes me by surprise because it literally comes out of nowhere. I never see it approach.
2. Where the hell am I?
Since I am from around here, people expect me to know exactly where I’m going all the time, as if I was some sort of Massachusetts compass. However, I am not from Boston. I’ve visited Boston many times and live here currently, but I’m originally from Taunton, a small city about 40 minutes away. There have been so many moments when some well-meaning individual has asked where I hail from and upon replying Massachusetts, the response is nearly always something about Boston which is, in fact, not the only city in the state. It’s hard to believe, I know. No one knows where Taunton is. There isn’t even a public transportation system to get there, so no hard feelings.
2. Where the hell am I?
Since I am from around here, people expect me to know exactly where I’m going all the time, as if I was some sort of Massachusetts compass. However, I am not from Boston. I’ve visited Boston many times and live here currently, but I’m originally from Taunton, a small city about 40 minutes away. There have been so many moments when some well-meaning individual has asked where I hail from and upon replying Massachusetts, the response is nearly always something about Boston which is, in fact, not the only city in the state. It’s hard to believe, I know. No one knows where Taunton is. There isn’t even a public transportation system to get there, so no hard feelings.
I have the worst sense of direction of anyone I know. I cannot get anywhere without a GPS. I got lost in my own hometown multiple times. Once when I was driving with my father we attempted to get from Taunton back to his town of Bridgewater and wound up in Seekonk, a town over a half hour away, all because I was navigating. For perspective, Seekonk is ten minutes from Providence, which is in RHODE ISLAND. Massachusetts is a state that has layers. There are the cities close to the coast like Boston, but then there’s also Cape Cod, the beach towns which are an entity unto itself. Whenever I visit the Cape I feel like I’ve left the state. It’s an entirely different vibe there. Then there are the towns up near New Hampshire like Lowell and Ayer, lush forest-y places right by the state line. And way out in western Mass are the towns of Worcester and even farther Springfield. It’s like a whole new world out there.
So when I’m asked how to get from point A to point B in any Massachusetts situation, I just smile sheepishly and shrug. Even after all this time living in the city of Boston I’m still not quite sure where I’m going. Just because I’m from Massachusetts doesn’t mean I’m familiar with every square inch of it. Just selective squares. What can I say? Geography isn’t my thing.
3. Seafood is icky.
I live on the coast, the east coast. Here a fondness for lobster, clams and cod is intrinsically developed from a young age, but not with me. Lobster freaks me out (mostly because I don’t like the way it looks at me when it’s dead), clam chowder is too heavy and clumpy, and cod is alright… sometimes. I’m opposed to fish because I hate that fishy taste. Give me plain old chicken over fish any day. I’ll say no to salmon, scallops, oysters, clams, you name it. (Unless it’s fried because everything tastes better fried.) The only seafood I’m fond of is calamari, which I only eat because it is slathered in batter and therefore doesn’t taste like squid. I only eat the round circles and stay far, far away from any visibly tentacley-tentacles.
I live on the coast, the east coast. Here a fondness for lobster, clams and cod is intrinsically developed from a young age, but not with me. Lobster freaks me out (mostly because I don’t like the way it looks at me when it’s dead), clam chowder is too heavy and clumpy, and cod is alright… sometimes. I’m opposed to fish because I hate that fishy taste. Give me plain old chicken over fish any day. I’ll say no to salmon, scallops, oysters, clams, you name it. (Unless it’s fried because everything tastes better fried.) The only seafood I’m fond of is calamari, which I only eat because it is slathered in batter and therefore doesn’t taste like squid. I only eat the round circles and stay far, far away from any visibly tentacley-tentacles.
4. The Accent and The Attitude
I find my accent isn’t the stereotypical Boston accent most people expect. I pronounce most of my “r’s,” unless I am upset and talking quickly. My accent isn’t very heavy or pronounced, but I do have a few eccentricities. For example, I say “draw” instead of “drawer.” Everyone likes to give me a hard time about that, but there isn’t much else. I don’t really have the irrationally unfriendly attitude most other New Englanders tend to cherish. In general, I’m kind of meek. I’m always willing to help another person out on the street. I am usually the person being shoved aside rather than doing the shoving. I have occasionally yelled at a car but that’s mostly because no one in the state of Massachusetts can drive. I try to keep things pleasant.
I find my accent isn’t the stereotypical Boston accent most people expect. I pronounce most of my “r’s,” unless I am upset and talking quickly. My accent isn’t very heavy or pronounced, but I do have a few eccentricities. For example, I say “draw” instead of “drawer.” Everyone likes to give me a hard time about that, but there isn’t much else. I don’t really have the irrationally unfriendly attitude most other New Englanders tend to cherish. In general, I’m kind of meek. I’m always willing to help another person out on the street. I am usually the person being shoved aside rather than doing the shoving. I have occasionally yelled at a car but that’s mostly because no one in the state of Massachusetts can drive. I try to keep things pleasant.
5. What’s the outdoors?
Hi Outside, I’m Jordan. Nice to meet you. I find that conversation happens over and over again with the introduction of nice weather. The outside and I have never been what you’d call close. I’m not big on camping and am extremely anti-bugs. A New Englander is meant to be one with the natural world. Our odd weather patterns make it something truly wondrous to behold. New England foliage is breathtaking and what with the crisp autumn weather or light spring afternoons and lush hills and forests, you’d think I’d be all about frolicking or trekking up a mountain, taking in the fresh air. Au contraire. I admire nature, I truly do, but from a distance. I prefer to observe in a noncommittal fashion. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for the occasional jaunt outside. I like taking walks in the woods and I love beaches, but it’s just not as frequent as one would expect. I don’t always react well to the outside either. One summer I somehow managed to obtain fifteen mosquito bites on each leg because I refrained from bug spray one evening. It was very uncomfortable. I also burn brightly in the sun and SPF 30 is an absolute must, if not higher. And this summer I flipped backwards in a chair at a party due to a spider that was too close for comfort. It happens.
Hi Outside, I’m Jordan. Nice to meet you. I find that conversation happens over and over again with the introduction of nice weather. The outside and I have never been what you’d call close. I’m not big on camping and am extremely anti-bugs. A New Englander is meant to be one with the natural world. Our odd weather patterns make it something truly wondrous to behold. New England foliage is breathtaking and what with the crisp autumn weather or light spring afternoons and lush hills and forests, you’d think I’d be all about frolicking or trekking up a mountain, taking in the fresh air. Au contraire. I admire nature, I truly do, but from a distance. I prefer to observe in a noncommittal fashion. Don’t get me wrong. I am all for the occasional jaunt outside. I like taking walks in the woods and I love beaches, but it’s just not as frequent as one would expect. I don’t always react well to the outside either. One summer I somehow managed to obtain fifteen mosquito bites on each leg because I refrained from bug spray one evening. It was very uncomfortable. I also burn brightly in the sun and SPF 30 is an absolute must, if not higher. And this summer I flipped backwards in a chair at a party due to a spider that was too close for comfort. It happens.
The irony is evident, I know. I’m a hermit in the winter and burn to a crisp in the summer. Is there no happy medium? Can’t I just be satisfied with the weather? Yes and No. Just because they aren’t to my liking doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them. It’s part of what I love about being from Massachusetts. The weather’s unpredictable – the winters are freezing, the summers are obnoxiously hot – but I like it that way. In fact, I’m not quite sure what I’d do with myself if I had regulated weather patterns. It just wouldn’t be right.
I am not the stereotype. There are certainly aspects of my personality that match certain parts of the stereotype like how I yell at cars and have a high degree of New England pride. I love being from Massachusetts. I love our history and the oldness of our cities, the people who aren’t quite like anyone else on earth. I love the way the leaves turn colors in the fall and the way it looks when it snows so hard you can’t see anything but a thick blanket of white. I even love the summer storms that make it difficult to drive on the highway. Part of being from Massachusetts and likewise from New England is the acceptance of one’s relationship with the weather. I love it. I hate it. But it’s part of my upbringing and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t fit perfectly here. I hate the cold and bugs and cod. I probably complain more than most New Englanders. But that’s just me. That’s my New England and for me it works. New England is a region built on a moody people with serious weather schizophrenia. I complain because it’s my right as a Massachusetts citizen and in my discomfort I can sympathize with thousands of others, who when I step out the door and say “Damn, I wish I had worn a jacket,” know exactly what the hell I’m talking about.
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